Doubt Unmasked

This is a post I started writing awhile back but stopped for some reason. So, I decided to revisit it and do a compare and contrast from my thoughts when I initially began writing it to what my thoughts are now as I complete it (full circle)

Fear, worry and doubt has been something I have struggled with all my life. I find it very difficult to rest in God's grace. Wow, I can't believe I said it! I love God more than life itself and I can attest to how much He has blessed me. I know that He is my source and I know that He has shielded and protected me from much. I have never questioned God's ability but rather would He do it for me. I rejoice in other's blessings and share in their pain. I am not an all about me person. I have learned how to do without but in learning I have developed faulty thinking. Once I have something I hold on tight for fear that it may be taken away. I suppose this too stems from not having my mother and father as a child. I don't ask for sympathy, my parents and I have a great relationship, I am processing out loud as a means of understanding.

The first part of the year (2011) started off great then midway through it things turned for the worse. Most notably is the decline of my grandmother's health from alzheimer's. She is the one who raised me. To not be there for her as she was for me because I am so far away has been tough. My mom is doing it alone. I HATE that disease! It is a thief that robs a person of their identity and their family and friends of their loved one. How do you stop a theif who is stealing from you right in front of your face? Though, I have not questioned God openly He hears my heart saying why my grandma?

When I initially began this post earlier this year (2012) my mindset was completely different. I can't pinpoint an exact date but something changed, something shifted that I wasn't even aware of until I re-read this post. I have  finally come to a place where I am learning to rest in God's grace and  His sovereignty. It is a peaceful place to be. Let me be truthful in saying this is a day to day process and some days it could be moment to moment, but it is far better than where I've been in times past. Has my grandmother been healed, no she hasn't. She has some good days and she has some bad ones. I remember dropping the kids off at school one morning and crying because of her condition. My 5 year asked why was I crying for mama, she isn't dead.  Wow, talk about an eye opener! I said you are right she isn't dead and then I heard Holy Spirit say well stop mourning her as if she is. I may not understand in totality why my grandmother was stricken with this disease but what I do know is that God is with her, He is with us no matter the paths we have to walk in this imperfect, physical world.

Learning to let go is never easy but it is completely freeing. So, I'm learning to let go, to trust God, to truly trust God. If He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him, then if I seek Him, He will reward (cause and effect Hebrews 11:6). I'm learning to cast all my cares on  Him (1 Peter5:7), I'm learning in my finite wisdom that comes from an Infinite God the love of Christ so that I may be full of life and the power that comes from God. I'm learning to be the me, that God wants me to be.

I leave you with another song that I pray will encourage you to live:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLbsO9J3vF8

Purpose Revisited

Ok, I'm trying to stay on top of this blog and not get too far behind. I truly have so much I want to say but in an effort not to overwhelm myself or those who may possibly read what I have to say I will try to unload in small bits.  I came across a little devotional I had written for the women's bible study sometime back and thought it was worth sharing. One particular morning I had been watching a Pastor, don't remember who, as he taught from the book of Acts27:14-26


But before very long there rushed down from the land a violent wind, called Euraquilo; 15 and when the ship was caught in it and could not face the wind, we gave way to it and let ourselves be driven along. 16 Running under the shelter of a small island called Clauda, we were scarcely able to get the ship’s boat under control. 17 After they had hoisted it up, they used supporting cables in undergirding the ship; and fearing that they might run aground on the shallows of Syrtis, they let down the sea anchor and in this way let themselves be driven along. 18 The next day as we were being violently storm-tossed, they began to jettison the cargo; 19 and on the third day they threw the ship’s tackle overboard with their own hands. 20 Since neither sun nor stars appeared for many days, and no small storm was assailing us, from then on all hope of our being saved was gradually abandoned.
 21 When they had gone a long time without food, then Paul stood up in their midst and said, “Men, you ought to have followed my advice and not to have set sail from Crete and incurred this damage and loss. 22 Yet now I urge you to keep up your courage, for there will be no loss of life among you, but only of the ship. 23 For this very night an angel of the God to whom I belong and whom I serve stood before me, 24 saying, ‘Do not be afraid, Paul; you must stand before Caesar; and behold, God has granted you all those who are sailing with you.’ 25 Therefore, keep up your courage, men, for I believe God that it will turn out exactly as I have been told. 26 But we must run aground on a certain island.”


When the storms of life rage against us it is hard to see what God's purposes for our lives are. Sometimes the devil would  have us believe that those storms are of God. Now storms do arise sometimes from our choices resulting in discipline or things not under our control. Whatever the case may be God can use any situation to draw us  near. Oftentimes as we are going through these storms we take our eyes off the Lord as Peter did and we feel as though we are drowning. It is quite the task to hold firm and fast to the promises of God when your marriage is falling apart, when your finances are all but none and your children are behaving  in ways that challenge your patience or sanity. The harsh reality is that as Christians we are told to take up our cross, to bear and follow Christ daily. There are two key things here-we do have crosses and burdens that we are to bear, but we are never alone. Let's do as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 We are to strive together and to not grow weary in well doing because we will reap a harvest as God's purpose and plans for our lives will be fulfilled. We must simply trust and surrender ourselves to Him.

Click on this link and listen to a song that I believe will help you on your journey.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUMRqJCV9Q4

Love

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I had written!  You get into the routine of doing things and before you know it an entire month has passed.  A lot has happened in this past month.  The most notable thing was that I began homeschooling in an attempt to prepare the children for the curriculum they would began with the Hillsborough (Tampa, FL) school district early April.  It was truly a blessing as we were allowed to enroll in their district via a virtual school program while still living in Minot.  I was in awe when their curriculum arrived because I knew how much it cost and I knew it was free. Everything was set in motion when without warning our orders were cancelled.  I would be lying to say it wasn't a blow but hey this isn't what this post is about.  I went through a lot of questioning and did receive understanding and answers from God, but I will share that in another post if it is something that the Lord wants me to share.  In this post I want to focus on love.

At the core of my being is love but I want it to radiate from my being so intensely  that anyone who comes in contact with me can't help but to feel it.  I have discovered that love is the core to success in every area of your  life.  I know, it might sound a bit strange but it is so true.  God is love and we only know love because He first loved us.  Christ died for us because of love and God instructs us to become more Christ-like. Love is pleasing to God because it requires one to act and it is selfless.  Love isn't a feeling; though we experience feelings as a result of love.  Love is a choice.  You can either give it or you can withhold it.  I want to genuinely care for others.  I do care for others but I want it to be more than a feeling or a passing thought, I want it to be an action.  God blesses those who are pure in heart and you cannot get much purer in heart than to love.

Paul said it best in I Corinthians 13:1 "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."  So, you see love is the key to success.  Hebrews 11:6 tells us that without faith it is impossible to please God. So, one must naturally assume that faith is a big deal to God. However, I Corinthians 13:13 Says these three remain, "faith, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love." God puts love above all. 

Love requires that you love even when the person doesn't seem lovable, when the situation doesn't seem fair.  I understand all too well that this isn't easy.  But, I ask you to think about God.  Think about all the people He loves in spite of all the ugliness that they do.  Some people eventually allow God to change their hearts and sadly some do not.  In all my years as a Christian I have learned that you cannot concern yourself with what the other can do, you can only be and do what God has called you to do.

So, I want to love unselfishly, and in spite of what others may do or say.  I pray that with Holy Spirit's guidance I can love, genuinely and with a pure heart.

Purpose

Things have finally settled down 5 days into the start of this new year. Well, as settled down as they can be for this wife and mother of four, five if you count the four-legged wonder :))) I have had some things I've wanted to write stirring within me for a few days and now I am able to release them into the universe. As the New Year came to a start I read Jeremiah 29:11 on someone's facebook post. "For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the Lord,' plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." (NASB) Shortly, after reading my friend's post I read my devotion which had Jeremiah 29:11 as the foundational scripture.Then after reading the scriptures in these two places I came across it 3 more times in a span of 3 days. I think God is trying to tell me something!

What makes this all the more poignant is that as a senior at a private Christian High School we had to have a verse that would serve as our motto throughout our final year. I'll give you one guess, what do you think it was? Jeremiah 29:11, you got it! So, this scripture has deep and personal meaning as it has lead my way for the past 18 years.  I must admit that for a great many years the only movement this scripture caused for me was a smile every time I came across it. Now, I am able to since the urgency in the message. Is it because God has been delayed, no; it is because I have been delayed in walking in purpose. Purpose has been one of those things that has alluded me for quite some time.  Mainly due to the fact that instead of finding purpose in whatever situation or state that I was currently in I fixed my gaze on the fact that there had to be more than what currently was. As I continue to walk with God I have come to realize that in this Christian walk we may find ourselves in situations or seasons that we don't want to be in-but we have to trust that we are where we are meant to me.

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven." Eccl 3:1 God knows what He is doing. He has it all planned out. He will take care of you and give you the future and hope that He has designed just for you. Our purpose in life is to serve God; to fill our cups with the love, grace, mercy and power that He pours, the living water of Christ.

Introduction

Let me first say that blogging is something new for me. My mind is constantly running and it probably would best be served by writing things down instead of keeping them in. When it comes to speaking I tend to do very well. Though, at first I may be nervous I seem to ease into it very quickly. I've found that speaking on things relating to me on emotional level I do better writing. My friend helped me to discover that pride is what keeps me from showing my emotions to others. It is this vulnerability that I keep to myself, refusing to let others get close to the real essence of me.

For some reason I've convinced myself that, that aspect of myself is only for God to see. I'm sure if I were to dig deep I would know why it is I do not want to let others close. There are a few, and I mean I could literally count them on one hand, that I've allowed in. However, even they are only permitted so far. It makes me think of how God told the waves of the ocean that they could come thus far and no more (Job 38:11). I, too, have erected boundaries and though boundaries are good, boundaries can even keep out those things and people that are supposed to be in your life.

So, I've created this blog to share those things which are in my heart. Some may be related to me specifically and others may have more so to do with people as a whole. I am a daughter of God, a wife, a mother, a friend, an adviser; I am so many things. These are the things I wish to relay to all those who choose to read. Maybe in these truths, some that God hold for me and others that He holds for all believers, that your life will be impacted or even changed. I, too, hope that mine will continue to grow as I try ever so hard to let God's light in me shine before man.