Doubt Unmasked

This is a post I started writing awhile back but stopped for some reason. So, I decided to revisit it and do a compare and contrast from my thoughts when I initially began writing it to what my thoughts are now as I complete it (full circle)

Fear, worry and doubt has been something I have struggled with all my life. I find it very difficult to rest in God's grace. Wow, I can't believe I said it! I love God more than life itself and I can attest to how much He has blessed me. I know that He is my source and I know that He has shielded and protected me from much. I have never questioned God's ability but rather would He do it for me. I rejoice in other's blessings and share in their pain. I am not an all about me person. I have learned how to do without but in learning I have developed faulty thinking. Once I have something I hold on tight for fear that it may be taken away. I suppose this too stems from not having my mother and father as a child. I don't ask for sympathy, my parents and I have a great relationship, I am processing out loud as a means of understanding.

The first part of the year (2011) started off great then midway through it things turned for the worse. Most notably is the decline of my grandmother's health from alzheimer's. She is the one who raised me. To not be there for her as she was for me because I am so far away has been tough. My mom is doing it alone. I HATE that disease! It is a thief that robs a person of their identity and their family and friends of their loved one. How do you stop a theif who is stealing from you right in front of your face? Though, I have not questioned God openly He hears my heart saying why my grandma?

When I initially began this post earlier this year (2012) my mindset was completely different. I can't pinpoint an exact date but something changed, something shifted that I wasn't even aware of until I re-read this post. I have  finally come to a place where I am learning to rest in God's grace and  His sovereignty. It is a peaceful place to be. Let me be truthful in saying this is a day to day process and some days it could be moment to moment, but it is far better than where I've been in times past. Has my grandmother been healed, no she hasn't. She has some good days and she has some bad ones. I remember dropping the kids off at school one morning and crying because of her condition. My 5 year asked why was I crying for mama, she isn't dead.  Wow, talk about an eye opener! I said you are right she isn't dead and then I heard Holy Spirit say well stop mourning her as if she is. I may not understand in totality why my grandmother was stricken with this disease but what I do know is that God is with her, He is with us no matter the paths we have to walk in this imperfect, physical world.

Learning to let go is never easy but it is completely freeing. So, I'm learning to let go, to trust God, to truly trust God. If He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him, then if I seek Him, He will reward (cause and effect Hebrews 11:6). I'm learning to cast all my cares on  Him (1 Peter5:7), I'm learning in my finite wisdom that comes from an Infinite God the love of Christ so that I may be full of life and the power that comes from God. I'm learning to be the me, that God wants me to be.

I leave you with another song that I pray will encourage you to live:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLbsO9J3vF8