Becoming who you were meant to be.

My children and I (minus dad because he is in Korea) recently moved from our last duty station to our current one. This is the second time we, the kids and I (though there were only three at that time) said good-bye to dad (Korea) and moved to a place unknown. The first time we endured this was tough because to say we were in unfamiliar surroundings is an understatement. At the time none of our kids were school age so we spent quite a few months visiting relatives. As it got closer to my oldest beginning kindergarten I knew that I would need to create a routine to help us survive. I dived head first into creating this routine so that I would not be overwhelmed and that I would also be able to carve out time for myself. I found a mother's morning out program for the two younger ones, joined the Y.M.C.A, but most importantly found a great church that I became really active in. All of this was soul soothing as I spent this year away from my husband.

Now, 7 years later I find myself in a similar situation but with four children (three of whom are school aged) and an entirely different perspective. We are almost 3 months into this year long assignment for my husband and when I initally arrived I began the same frantic search for things to fill the empty space that I previously encountered when he went to Korea some 7 years ago. But, this time around I have been a lot more introspective; looking within as opposed to outside of myself. Instead of finding things to sooth my soul I've been seeking God to reveal my spirit.

Over the years I've battled extreme anxiety-always worrying about things that really have no basis-those things that could possibly happen to anyone but there is no evidence that they will. During this time of separation God has taken me on a journey of self-discovery. For so many years I lived life based upon who I thought I was, but this life of mine had been framed through the lenses of other people. When I was young I was told I should grow up and do this. When I went to college people told me I would be good at that. So, I never really knew who I was or what I really wanted. This journey that I have been on has taken me into the depths of my childhood where I've had to address some very painful realities. Bad, troubled or challenging experiences from our childhood most often develop into maladaptive ways of being as we progress through childhood-adolescence into adulthood. These coping mechanisms aren't always healthy but serve as a means in helping us deal with the ways we were wronged as children. What I am learning now is that I must go back to a time before the hurt and discouragement I felt as a child to the person God made me to be. This has not been easy but it has been totally worth it.

I imagine this journey to unleashing who I really am will continue to be challenging as I have a great deal of layers that must be removed. I think about the process of restoring old wood to its original state. Over the years it becomes damaged from all that life has thrown its way. Once its potential is recognized great effort is taken to strip off those layers that have become damaged in an attempt to get it back to its original state-then varnish is applied to emphasize the wood's beauty. This is how it must be with us. We are likened to clay in the potter's (God's) hands. He does not throw away what He has made because it is damaged-no, He strips off the damaged layers and then gives us a varnish to place emphasis on our beauty-His intent is to restore us to our original state. I've said this before and I will say it again when it comes to change.

When a person refuses to change most people may equate it to that person being stubborn or "set in their ways." Really, that isn't the problem with change at all. Change, a true change of the heart requires one to be vulnerable, to confront the very core of who they are. It requires them to look deep past the behavior that is seen to the "whys" of that behavior. Looking that deep within can be very frightening. Our upbringing shapes who we become, we are the product of that environment. But, our nature plays a big role as well in our development so, that must be considered too. Environments can either be nurturing or damaging. As adults, instead of dealing with how we came to be and even those things we may have been born with (nature); our actions, emotions, thinking-the sum total of who we are, many of us just choose to be the person that exists today never fully recognizing that God's design and intent for us was/is completely different! But, true change begins with a person confronting who they have become, the good-the bad-and the ugly. But, in order for change to be successful it has to be done by the power of the Holy Spirit. We are constantly bombarded with the world's messages so it is easy to be consumed by its lure and power. Our souls are constantly at battle and we can't win this fight alone.